Learn to Swim

So much hope was awakened within me when the Church published their first website addressing same-sex attraction (Mormonsandgays.org), and I was elated a few years ago when the website was revamped and filled with inspiring stories from so many of my friends (rebranded Mormonandgay.org). I felt a strong sense of comradery and connection knowing that I had so many people by my side coming out of the darkness and being accepted by members of our Church. Things were changing for the better.

Fast forward three years. Three people on the website are no longer keeping the covenants they defended in the past. As you can imagine, this hits me a little harder than the average member of the Church (at least, I assume). People have been reaching out to me because their hopes have been dimmed by the choices of these formerly featured individuals on the Church's website. They ask me "Can I really make it?" or "Is my marriage going to hold out till the end?"

Many people wonder how I've been able to stay grounded.

My mother is not a forceful woman. Honestly, some might call her a pushover because she's kind to a fault. She is incredibly humble and thoughtful. She did, however, not give her kids agency to choose between being on the swim team or not. It was utterly non-negotiable.

I remember begging her to let me have a regular summer without having to get up before dawn to go to the pool and swim my guts out. She was always sweet about it, but she never let me skip out on practice. She came from a family of swimmers, having a brother who was a Navy Seal and another who was an Olympic diver (she herself was training for the Olympics before she developed a deadly disease which ended these dreams. She has since recovered). Perhaps you might think that she was being controlling and/or living vicariously by requiring her seven children to become athletes, but you'd be wrong.

(The pool in which I learned to swim)

My mother had watched a girl suffocate to death when she was very young. With that trauma haunting her, she made sure that her children would have the best chance of surviving various scenarios involving water by insisting that we not only would take swimming lessons, but that we would be able to swim for miles with confidence rather than succumb to exhaustion and drown. We were also trained in life guarding, so in addition to learning to swim with various body parts inhibited (to simulate injury), we developed the skills necessary to rescue helpless others from deep water. 

I remember crying so much throughout this training. Not only did it always leave me breathless, but I was consistently the slowest on the team. I remember disqualifying our team during a freestyle meet because I messed up my flip-turn. I felt absolutely useless and ashamed of my constant failure. 

Then one school year, our general P.E. class went to the pool to work out. I was uncomfortable as ever as I took the shirt off of my pasty, blubbery body and walked to the edge of the pool. I mentally prepared myself to be put to shame by my athletic peers. I was in the front of the line in my lane, so I got in the water and launched myself toward the other end when I heard the whistle blow. 

I didn't take a single breath as I swam across the length of the pool, feeling like everyone's eyes would scrutinize my performance as the slowest guy in the class. When I touched the wall, I jumped off the bottom of the pool onto the deck. As I did so, I heard my coach whisper, "Foster?"

I turned around to see that not a single one of my peers had even swam halfway across the pool. Many of the guys that were so much better at me on the court or in the field were floundering with their heads above water, struggling to do more than doggy-paddle. My coach was as surprised as I was that I was able to perform so well.

My mother's consistent boundary-keeping held me to a standard that ensured that I was able to take care of myself and excel in what could be a very stressful situation. Many of my peers lacked the preparation to make it across the pool, and who knows if they would have been able to survive falling into a deeper body of water.

You could make a comparison to spirituality when swimming in figuratively stormy waters. Elder Ballard taught us that it's way easier to get people into a rescue boat when you're in the boat itself rather than in the choppy water. How can we expect to help others when we aren't doing the work necessary to maintain our testimonies? We may not realize how weak we are (or how strong) until the storm hits.

These thoughts were going in my mind when I attended Russell M. Nelson's BYU Devotional this month (I was literally writing this post right before I heard him speak).

First of all, does God choose the cutest men to be prophets or what?! I absolutely love President Nelson. I truly believe he is God's mouthpiece here on the earth.

If you haven't heard his talk, you need to. He finally addressed the reversal of the "November Policy" that stirred up so many difficult feelings for so many people. What a relief that was to me! As he did so, he taught about how we must identify ourselves as children of God first and foremost. He also reminded us that truth is truth, no matter how inconvenient, painful, or confusing. The prophet then discussed that as God loves us with a perfect love, the things He allows us to go through must be for our best, even if we don't see the eternal benefits with our mortal eyes. The fourth truth he listed was that God works through prophets and apostles who must obey Him despite what the world says. He explained that they used what flexibility they had to try and make things as painless as they could for everyone involved by letting local bishops make decisions on baby blessings and later baptisms.

The final truth of his BYU devotional was that we can discern between truth and what is not by learning to listen to the whisperings of the Spirit. If I didn't have this personal confirmation that God truly lives and that this Church embodies the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, I would have left long ago. My heart longs for the connection that married people enjoy, and my future often seems so dark. But the Spirit so often speaks to my soul and my heart knows that I can trust the Savior and His servants here in this fallen world.

So when people who once carried the same burden I once did decide to drop it and leave the strait and narrow path, I console the ache their absence leaves by reminding myself of the innumerable witnesses I have received from the Spirit, the security of knowing that our Heavenly Father continues to teach us through His earthly mouthpiece, and that as the world gets worse, the Lord will make His saints greater. I firmly believe that there are glories in the years ahead that we cannot imagine.

With yesterday's announcement concerning an update in baptismal witness policy, I'm even more excited for conference this weekend! Make sure that you take the time to watch or listen to it and build up your spiritual stamina for what troubled waters lie ahead!

A Gay Mormon's Reaction to the November Policy Reversal

For those who are unaware, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has altered the controversial "November Policy" released back in 2015.  According to the Church's official website, "Children of parents who identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender may now be blessed as infants and baptized in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints without First Presidency approval...In addition, the Church will no longer characterize same-gender marriage by a Church member as 'apostasy' for purposes of Church discipline, although it is still considered 'a serious transgression.'"

Over the years following the November policy, I have frankly endured a lot of persecution from those who disagree with it, and as a gay, active member of the restored church, I'm often seen as a sell-out (whatever). Many people even go so far as to blame me for the suicides of people who experience same-sex attraction and feel like they can't seem to make the Church work for them (I'll eventually get around to writing a post about how ridiculous this is as suicide is far more complicated than most people seem to think).

I remember well the day that the policy was leaked and the intense rage that burned across my social media platforms. When I first learned about it, my heart felt like a washing machine. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I imagined the hatred and anger that the Church would surely be the target of as its enemies now had fresh ammunition to mobilize. I knew that my life as a gay member was about to get a lot more complicated as this policy would cause many of my gay friends to question their place in the Church and the Plan of Salvation. The ensuing arguments on facebook seemed to last forever. 

This policy made sense to me as a similar policy applied to another divinely unapproved marital union, polygamous marriage. I don't like the idea that children of certain couples couldn't get baptized, but I understand why. The Gospel of Christ holds the Law of Chastity as one of the most serious commandments given by the Savior, and to be taught such doctrines while one's parents are in a relationship prohibited by said doctrines would be heart-wrenching.

I have not felt hated by the Church itself because I'm attracted to members of my own sex, even when the Church was urging us to support Prop 102 in Arizona to define marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman. I got far more hatred from some of the gay kids at my high school, who bullied me on camera because I wore a Prop 102 sticker to school. Many members, however, said insensitive things about gay people during this time period which made me uncomfortable at church and made my place in the Plan of Salvation more unclear, but I've always known that the Church is led by those who are called and directed by our Heavenly Father, as imperfect as they are. So when the "November Policy" was leaked, I really wasn't too upset, although I did feel sorrow for the children who wanted to join the Church but couldn't because of the choices of their parents. 

I have noticed a start contrast in the attitude of members from how they responded back in 2010 than  they did in 2015 to the policy change. Members have become far more empathetic to the pain of LGBT people in general, and especially to those who are members of the Church. Policy is different than core doctrine and is subject to change as the world changes. With the Supreme Court declaring gay marriage a legal right, the Church had to make pretty immediate changes. Now that the legal system has acclimated to this new union, the Church is also adjusting. At least, that's how I see it.

I know many people have been troubled by the idea that they could be considered apostates for entering into a gay marriage. As far as I'm aware, homosexual sex has always been grounds for excommunication. It almost seems less sinful to enter into a same-sex relationship if it's a monogamous one. If I were to try and justify the automatic declaration of apostasy for marrying someone of one's own sex, I would say that such a marriage is a permanent covenant that stands in direct opposition to the covenants made with the Father and those sanctioned by Him.

I appreciate the newest alteration of the policy on gay marriage because it makes bishops and stake presidents into judges rather than clerks, giving them more room for mercy and judgement based on the context/circumstances of the individuals involved. This definitely seems more in line with the Gospel in my humble opinion. 

Above all, I hope for more revelation on how the Lord sees same-sex attraction. It's so difficult to be a gay member of the Church because there is so much ambiguity involved. Is same-sex attraction a spiritual attribute or a luck-of-the-draw biological trait? How can we follow the Lord and have a happy and fulfilling life? How do we help gay people outside of the restored Church feel welcome and interested in the Gospel? I have so many questions and imagine I'll only acquire more the longer I'm on this road. I do know, however, that Russell M. Nelson is truly a prophet of God. I know it. A knowledge deeper than my consciousness speaks this peaceful truth to my heart, and I know that I can always trust him. Because of this, I'm far less concerned about whether the Church got it wrong and is backpedaling than some people.

I imagine I'll have more thoughts on the subject, but I thought I'd just put this out there for now.

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is a process by which the atonement of Christ allows us to reenter God’s presence.

Growing up I had a particularly difficult time coming to church because I was often bullied by my peers (for being a fat, sensitive nerd, not for being gay). To add insult to injury, I usually felt unprotected by my teachers and leaders who didn’t want to drive away those youth. While I had a strong testimony of the gospel, I dreaded going to church because I felt unwelcome, unimportant, and unneeded. My friends also bore the brunt of this treatment, and unfortunately some of them have left the church admittedly because of it.

Time, however, has a tendency to heal wounds and add perspective. I’ve come to understand that many of those bullies had their own problems that they were dealing with, and above all else, we had the ignorance of youth against us. Teenagers are dumb. Through the atonement of Christ, I was able to forgive them and move on with my life. In order to do this, I had to humble myself considerably. I’ve come to know that one of my biggest vices is bitterness, and this susceptibility has been a challenge for most of my life and could be something I always struggle with. I think sometimes holding a grudge makes us feel like we have some control or that those hard feelings somehow avenge us, but in reality the failure to forgive is analogous to drinking poison and expecting our enemy to become sick. Many of my friends, and I can easily think of a dozen, have walked away from their covenants due to the seductively instinctual reaction of bitterness.

Unfortunately, we all know people who have, for whatever reason, fallen away from the Church. When I was an AP on my mission (just kidding – I wasn’t an assistant, I just want to make fun of that phrase) but seriously missionaries tend to seek out less active members frequently. And as a missionary or ministering sister or brother, you come to know that many of these individuals still have strong testimonies of the restored gospel of Christ. Elder Bednar has met with hundreds of such individuals and a recurring reason for their absence from church was due to being offended by someone in their congregation.

He would say, “Let me make sure I understand what has happened to you. Because someone at church offended you, you have not been blessed by the ordinance of the sacrament. You have withdrawn yourself from the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Because someone at church offended you, you have cut yourself off from priesthood ordinances and the holy temple. You have discontinued your opportunity to serve others and to learn and grow. And you are leaving barriers that will impede the spiritual progress of your children, your children’s children, and the generations that will follow.” Many times people would think for a moment and then respond: “I have never thought about it that way.”

Activity in the Church is not the perfect barometer for our spiritual health in this regard. Those of us who come to Church every Sunday can still harbor ill will and bitterness which drives away the Spirit and builds barriers between us. We’ve all been hurt at some point or another, and each one of us has been the cause of offense to others. We’re all subject to the temptations and frailties of this fallen world.

And we can’t forget that the Savior never told us not to feel. He never condemned sadness or the need to process our emotions in response to harm at the hands of another. He himself was a man of sorrows acquainted with grief, who wept and was betrayed. We shouldn’t feel shame for these responses and we shouldn’t invalidate the feelings of others. Our emotions give us feedback, showing us where we need to heal, what judgments we’re holding onto regarding ourselves and others. They help us recognize if we’re stuck in the past or paralyzed by the uncertainty of the future. Emotions are certainly worthy of paying attention to as they inform us of what aspects of our lives could benefit from change and remind us of how necessary it is for us to take advantage of the atonement of Christ.

Christ admonishes us to “live together in love” with “no disputations among you,” warning that “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me.” If feeding the hungry and clothing the naked are reflections of how we serve the Savior, when we withhold forgiveness from our brothers and sisters, we have done it unto Him!

“If ye … desire to come unto me,” He said to the Nephites, “and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—
“Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to [him], and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.”

In the latest conference, Elder Holland said that “Surely each of us could cite an endless array of old scars and sorrows and painful memories that this very moment still corrode the peace in someone’s heart or family or neighborhood. Whether we have caused that pain or been the recipient of the pain, those wounds need to be healed so that life can be as rewarding as God intended it to be. Those old grievances have long since exceeded their expiration date. Please don’t give precious space in your soul to them any longer.”

The Savior taught: “Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:9–10).

Of the miracles of Christ, my favorite recorded in scripture occurred when He healed the ear of the high priest's servant who was coming to arrest Jesus and deliver Him to be crucified. Christ forgave and served without a second thought!

When we refuse to forgive, we forget that the Lord understands each of His children's hearts and circumstances perfectly and that judgment belongs to Him alone. As He is the righteous judge, we can rest assured that He will deal perfect justice and mercy to those who sin against others as well as those harmed.

Like His other commandments, the Lord's requirement of forgiveness brings peace and joy as we choose to receive healing through His atonement by setting aside our grudges. Then we learn for ourselves that the Savior’s grace is not only for those who need to repent, but for those who need to forgive.

In regards to forgiving others, the Lord doesn’t expect us to reenter toxic relationships or abusive and destructive circumstances. I’m sure that if an individual’s ultimatum was to go to a different ward or not go to church at all, the Lord would obviously prefer that individual to take the sacrament as opposed to isolating and denying themselves those blessings. And while the burden of worthiness and commitment to the gospel is the sole responsibility of each of God’s children, respectively, members of the Church have covenanted with God to be ambassadors for Christ in the ministry of reconciliation. We have to live our faith as best we can. We all fall short and have our hypocrisies, that’s only to be expected from imperfect mortals. As King Benjamin rhetorically asked, are we not all beggars? However, as we pursue the path of the peacemaker, we can provide a nurturing environment headed by the ultimate healer, Jesus Christ, who is the antidote to every malady.

I have experienced the relieving balm of Gilead through Christ's power as it enabled me to forgive those who hurt me in my youth, including my sexual abuser, and even helped me to have pity for them. People often act from places of hurt or ignorance, and although that doesn't justify what they do, it grants us patience when we accept that truth.

I realized after many years that I had conjured up a bully in my mind, embodying the teasing and pain I had received from real people. This imaginary entity would laugh at me when I failed, or looked in the mirror, or considered trying again, which constantly wore against my self-esteem and desire to keep going. Once I recognized this, I knew that by harboring those negative feelings toward people who probably didn't even remember or realize that they had hurt me, I was allowing the subconscious bully to win. When I let go, the snickering of that voice in my head died out. We forgive, not necessarily because our adversaries deserve it, but because we don't deserve to be hurt by them anymore.

In conclusion, I hope that we all recognize that we can’t afford to let anyone or any offense to come between us and an ideal relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ, who forgave freely - even those who crucified Him. If we have hurt others, Christ wants us to do our part to reconcile with them. If we are harboring resentment and its unnecessary pain, the Lord commands us to forgive. No grudge is worth its cost. We each need to humble ourselves in one degree or another in order to repent and reconcile ourselves with our Heavenly Father through the atonement of Jesus Christ. So remove the knives from your back and leave them to rust as you seek the Healer, rather than use them to perpetuate the pain you've endured.

May we start this new year with hearts free from the burden of animosity. I testify that the Lord can restore peace to our souls and allow us to forgive those whom we never thought we could. I know it.