Even When He is Silent

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. 

I believe in love even when I cannot feel it. 

I believe in God even when He is silent."

Carved into the wall of a cellar in Cologne, Germany, these words were discovered in the hiding place of a number of Jews during the Holocaust. It's essentially impossible to imagine a bleaker circumstance than being a Jew in Nazi territory.

I was first introduced to this poem through a song we were going to perform as a choir before the Corona virus shut our society down, isolating us all from loved ones and shutting us inside in a life-or-death situation.

As were millions of other members of the Church, I looked forward to the upcoming conference which was promised to "be different from any previous conference." I didn't have specific expectations, but I anticipated a grand performance of music and invigorating talks. 

When it became apparent that conference would be different in that it would be strictly online, I wondered if that was what the Prophet had in mind, or if the grand plans he had for conference would be pushed back to October. I flirted, wistfully, with the thought that, since it would be broadcasted, President Nelson would whip out the sword of Laban or other artifact. I wondered if his advice to take our vitamins was foreshadowing 😂

Above all else, and as I do before every conference, I hoped and pleaded that the Lord would reveal through His servants specific guidance and understanding for those who experience same-sex attraction. Have we not waited long enough in darkness? Why, when the world is a runaway train headed in the opposite direction of morality, when homosexual relationships are not only tolerated but celebrated, when mental health and suicide take their heavy tolls, do we still not have answers?

I unfortunately had to work conference weekend (I work in a residential mental health facility), so I missed a few sessions, but had this dilemma been addressed, I would have instantly heard about it. I was admittedly disappointed yet unsurprised. What precedent did I have to believe that this would all be instantly explained in a single conference? 

I also admit that I felt a bit slighted in that there was a ton of hype for this conference, yet it seemed more or less ordinary. As I always do, I was filled with the Spirit, who testified that what I was hearing was true, that the Lord lives, and that this is His kingdom upon the earth. I absolutely loved the new logo of the Church, a change I was hoping would happen for some time now as the angel Moroni simply doesn't express what our faith truly is about. I enjoyed the new proclamation. Perhaps I am growing accustomed to changes like that. President Nelson has certainly taken us on quite the ride as far as that goes!

One of my few brag-worthy talents is that I make friends with the best people, often finding hidden gems that most overlook. In expressing myself to some of such friends, one mentioned that a mutual acquaintance had vented on social media about how frustrating it was that, in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, the Prophet and apostles would focus so much on the Restoration of the Gospel rather than speak to the fears of viewers concerning the deadly virus which has brought the world to its knees (hopefully y'all are praying while you're down there).

Contrastingly, my friend expressed his belief that our leaders were deliberately telling us what we needed, not necessarily what we were expecting. What good would it truly have done for us if the focal point of the conference was the plague? Would that bring us hope?

The answer is in the Restoration.

My favorite talk was Elder Holland's, and my friend's comment helped me realize why.

The Restoration revealed to mankind the true nature of God, our Father. Not a stoic being who would predestine few of His children to salvation and cast the rest into the fires of Hell. The Book of Mormon explains that the Savior's every action would be “for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world” and every inhabitant therein. Holland points out that the Restoration fulfilled thousands of years of prophesy, bringing a tidal wave of spiritual truth to the vacuum left by the Great Apostasy.

He continues: "Because the Restoration reaffirmed the foundational truth that God does work in this world, we can hope, we should hope, even when facing the most insurmountable odds. That is what the scripture meant when Abraham was able to hope against hope—that is, he was able to believe in spite of every reason not to believe—that he and Sarah could conceive a child when that seemed utterly impossible. So, I ask, 'If so many of our 1820 hopes could begin to be fulfilled with a flash of divine light to a mere boy kneeling in a patch of trees in upstate New York, why should we not hope that righteous desires and Christlike yearnings can still be marvelously, miraculously answered by the God of all hope?' We all need to believe that what we desire in righteousness can someday, someway, somehow yet be ours."

To find hope for the future, we need but look back to see that the Lord fulfills His promises to those who keep His commandments.

As I remember, there have been countless times in my life when I've felt hopeless.

I remember weeping in my room as a child, trapped in sexual abuse that I was too ashamed to tell my parents about and "knowing" I was destined to burn in Hell for the sins I felt I had committed. I wish that I could hug that boy and tell him that there was so much to look forward to, that healing would come, that the flashbacks would cease and that I would be able to forgive my abuser and break free of the chains placed on my spirit.

I remember preparing to kill myself as a teenager, seeing no hope for relief from my chronic illness, from bullying, and from attractions to a lifestyle contrary to the Plan of Salvation. Again, I wish I could hold him, promising that such trials would foster the resilience and empathy I would need to be an effective missionary, that I would create a powerful network of authentic friends who would support me in my pursuit of Christ.

I continue to beg the Lord for guidance, navigating adulthood without a feasible prospect of marriage while trying to hold onto hope that the Lord is mindful of me and has a place for me in His marvelous plan. In a few years, what will I wish I could tell my present self?

While each of us has questions, looking through a glass darkly, we must hold on to the hope that Christ offers us. As my ancestor William Bradford prayed during a perilous storm at sea, "Yet Lord, Thou canst save."

Our world has been plunged deeper into darkness by Covid 19, which has robbed us of jobs, health, and life. It need not rob us of hope, for "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." (Romans 8:35, 37).

So while the Lord continues to be silent despite our prayers for light and understanding to come to us regarding same-sex attraction and other complexities such as the foreboding consequences of the pandemic, the Restoration solidifies the hope that God loves us, that the sun will rise again, and that He will not withhold the answers from us forever.

Learn to Swim

So much hope was awakened within me when the Church published their first website addressing same-sex attraction (Mormonsandgays.org), and I was elated a few years ago when the website was revamped and filled with inspiring stories from so many of my friends (rebranded Mormonandgay.org). I felt a strong sense of comradery and connection knowing that I had so many people by my side coming out of the darkness and being accepted by members of our Church. Things were changing for the better.

Fast forward three years. Three people on the website are no longer keeping the covenants they defended in the past. As you can imagine, this hits me a little harder than the average member of the Church (at least, I assume). People have been reaching out to me because their hopes have been dimmed by the choices of these formerly featured individuals on the Church's website. They ask me "Can I really make it?" or "Is my marriage going to hold out till the end?"

Many people wonder how I've been able to stay grounded.

My mother is not a forceful woman. Honestly, some might call her a pushover because she's kind to a fault. She is incredibly humble and thoughtful. She did, however, not give her kids agency to choose between being on the swim team or not. It was utterly non-negotiable.

I remember begging her to let me have a regular summer without having to get up before dawn to go to the pool and swim my guts out. She was always sweet about it, but she never let me skip out on practice. She came from a family of swimmers, having a brother who was a Navy Seal and another who was an Olympic diver (she herself was training for the Olympics before she developed a deadly disease which ended these dreams. She has since recovered). Perhaps you might think that she was being controlling and/or living vicariously by requiring her seven children to become athletes, but you'd be wrong.

(The pool in which I learned to swim)

My mother had watched a girl suffocate to death when she was very young. With that trauma haunting her, she made sure that her children would have the best chance of surviving various scenarios involving water by insisting that we not only would take swimming lessons, but that we would be able to swim for miles with confidence rather than succumb to exhaustion and drown. We were also trained in life guarding, so in addition to learning to swim with various body parts inhibited (to simulate injury), we developed the skills necessary to rescue helpless others from deep water. 

I remember crying so much throughout this training. Not only did it always leave me breathless, but I was consistently the slowest on the team. I remember disqualifying our team during a freestyle meet because I messed up my flip-turn. I felt absolutely useless and ashamed of my constant failure. 

Then one school year, our general P.E. class went to the pool to work out. I was uncomfortable as ever as I took the shirt off of my pasty, blubbery body and walked to the edge of the pool. I mentally prepared myself to be put to shame by my athletic peers. I was in the front of the line in my lane, so I got in the water and launched myself toward the other end when I heard the whistle blow. 

I didn't take a single breath as I swam across the length of the pool, feeling like everyone's eyes would scrutinize my performance as the slowest guy in the class. When I touched the wall, I jumped off the bottom of the pool onto the deck. As I did so, I heard my coach whisper, "Foster?"

I turned around to see that not a single one of my peers had even swam halfway across the pool. Many of the guys that were so much better at me on the court or in the field were floundering with their heads above water, struggling to do more than doggy-paddle. My coach was as surprised as I was that I was able to perform so well.

My mother's consistent boundary-keeping held me to a standard that ensured that I was able to take care of myself and excel in what could be a very stressful situation. Many of my peers lacked the preparation to make it across the pool, and who knows if they would have been able to survive falling into a deeper body of water.

You could make a comparison to spirituality when swimming in figuratively stormy waters. Elder Ballard taught us that it's way easier to get people into a rescue boat when you're in the boat itself rather than in the choppy water. How can we expect to help others when we aren't doing the work necessary to maintain our testimonies? We may not realize how weak we are (or how strong) until the storm hits.

These thoughts were going in my mind when I attended Russell M. Nelson's BYU Devotional this month (I was literally writing this post right before I heard him speak).

First of all, does God choose the cutest men to be prophets or what?! I absolutely love President Nelson. I truly believe he is God's mouthpiece here on the earth.

If you haven't heard his talk, you need to. He finally addressed the reversal of the "November Policy" that stirred up so many difficult feelings for so many people. What a relief that was to me! As he did so, he taught about how we must identify ourselves as children of God first and foremost. He also reminded us that truth is truth, no matter how inconvenient, painful, or confusing. The prophet then discussed that as God loves us with a perfect love, the things He allows us to go through must be for our best, even if we don't see the eternal benefits with our mortal eyes. The fourth truth he listed was that God works through prophets and apostles who must obey Him despite what the world says. He explained that they used what flexibility they had to try and make things as painless as they could for everyone involved by letting local bishops make decisions on baby blessings and later baptisms.

The final truth of his BYU devotional was that we can discern between truth and what is not by learning to listen to the whisperings of the Spirit. If I didn't have this personal confirmation that God truly lives and that this Church embodies the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, I would have left long ago. My heart longs for the connection that married people enjoy, and my future often seems so dark. But the Spirit so often speaks to my soul and my heart knows that I can trust the Savior and His servants here in this fallen world.

So when people who once carried the same burden I once did decide to drop it and leave the strait and narrow path, I console the ache their absence leaves by reminding myself of the innumerable witnesses I have received from the Spirit, the security of knowing that our Heavenly Father continues to teach us through His earthly mouthpiece, and that as the world gets worse, the Lord will make His saints greater. I firmly believe that there are glories in the years ahead that we cannot imagine.

With yesterday's announcement concerning an update in baptismal witness policy, I'm even more excited for conference this weekend! Make sure that you take the time to watch or listen to it and build up your spiritual stamina for what troubled waters lie ahead!

A Gay Mormon's Reaction to the November Policy Reversal

For those who are unaware, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has altered the controversial "November Policy" released back in 2015.  According to the Church's official website, "Children of parents who identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender may now be blessed as infants and baptized in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints without First Presidency approval...In addition, the Church will no longer characterize same-gender marriage by a Church member as 'apostasy' for purposes of Church discipline, although it is still considered 'a serious transgression.'"

Over the years following the November policy, I have frankly endured a lot of persecution from those who disagree with it, and as a gay, active member of the restored church, I'm often seen as a sell-out (whatever). Many people even go so far as to blame me for the suicides of people who experience same-sex attraction and feel like they can't seem to make the Church work for them (I'll eventually get around to writing a post about how ridiculous this is as suicide is far more complicated than most people seem to think).

I remember well the day that the policy was leaked and the intense rage that burned across my social media platforms. When I first learned about it, my heart felt like a washing machine. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I imagined the hatred and anger that the Church would surely be the target of as its enemies now had fresh ammunition to mobilize. I knew that my life as a gay member was about to get a lot more complicated as this policy would cause many of my gay friends to question their place in the Church and the Plan of Salvation. The ensuing arguments on facebook seemed to last forever. 

This policy made sense to me as a similar policy applied to another divinely unapproved marital union, polygamous marriage. I don't like the idea that children of certain couples couldn't get baptized, but I understand why. The Gospel of Christ holds the Law of Chastity as one of the most serious commandments given by the Savior, and to be taught such doctrines while one's parents are in a relationship prohibited by said doctrines would be heart-wrenching.

I have not felt hated by the Church itself because I'm attracted to members of my own sex, even when the Church was urging us to support Prop 102 in Arizona to define marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman. I got far more hatred from some of the gay kids at my high school, who bullied me on camera because I wore a Prop 102 sticker to school. Many members, however, said insensitive things about gay people during this time period which made me uncomfortable at church and made my place in the Plan of Salvation more unclear, but I've always known that the Church is led by those who are called and directed by our Heavenly Father, as imperfect as they are. So when the "November Policy" was leaked, I really wasn't too upset, although I did feel sorrow for the children who wanted to join the Church but couldn't because of the choices of their parents. 

I have noticed a start contrast in the attitude of members from how they responded back in 2010 than  they did in 2015 to the policy change. Members have become far more empathetic to the pain of LGBT people in general, and especially to those who are members of the Church. Policy is different than core doctrine and is subject to change as the world changes. With the Supreme Court declaring gay marriage a legal right, the Church had to make pretty immediate changes. Now that the legal system has acclimated to this new union, the Church is also adjusting. At least, that's how I see it.

I know many people have been troubled by the idea that they could be considered apostates for entering into a gay marriage. As far as I'm aware, homosexual sex has always been grounds for excommunication. It almost seems less sinful to enter into a same-sex relationship if it's a monogamous one. If I were to try and justify the automatic declaration of apostasy for marrying someone of one's own sex, I would say that such a marriage is a permanent covenant that stands in direct opposition to the covenants made with the Father and those sanctioned by Him.

I appreciate the newest alteration of the policy on gay marriage because it makes bishops and stake presidents into judges rather than clerks, giving them more room for mercy and judgement based on the context/circumstances of the individuals involved. This definitely seems more in line with the Gospel in my humble opinion. 

Above all, I hope for more revelation on how the Lord sees same-sex attraction. It's so difficult to be a gay member of the Church because there is so much ambiguity involved. Is same-sex attraction a spiritual attribute or a luck-of-the-draw biological trait? How can we follow the Lord and have a happy and fulfilling life? How do we help gay people outside of the restored Church feel welcome and interested in the Gospel? I have so many questions and imagine I'll only acquire more the longer I'm on this road. I do know, however, that Russell M. Nelson is truly a prophet of God. I know it. A knowledge deeper than my consciousness speaks this peaceful truth to my heart, and I know that I can always trust him. Because of this, I'm far less concerned about whether the Church got it wrong and is backpedaling than some people.

I imagine I'll have more thoughts on the subject, but I thought I'd just put this out there for now.

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is a process by which the atonement of Christ allows us to reenter God’s presence.

Growing up I had a particularly difficult time coming to church because I was often bullied by my peers (for being a fat, sensitive nerd, not for being gay). To add insult to injury, I usually felt unprotected by my teachers and leaders who didn’t want to drive away those youth. While I had a strong testimony of the gospel, I dreaded going to church because I felt unwelcome, unimportant, and unneeded. My friends also bore the brunt of this treatment, and unfortunately some of them have left the church admittedly because of it.

Time, however, has a tendency to heal wounds and add perspective. I’ve come to understand that many of those bullies had their own problems that they were dealing with, and above all else, we had the ignorance of youth against us. Teenagers are dumb. Through the atonement of Christ, I was able to forgive them and move on with my life. In order to do this, I had to humble myself considerably. I’ve come to know that one of my biggest vices is bitterness, and this susceptibility has been a challenge for most of my life and could be something I always struggle with. I think sometimes holding a grudge makes us feel like we have some control or that those hard feelings somehow avenge us, but in reality the failure to forgive is analogous to drinking poison and expecting our enemy to become sick. Many of my friends, and I can easily think of a dozen, have walked away from their covenants due to the seductively instinctual reaction of bitterness.

Unfortunately, we all know people who have, for whatever reason, fallen away from the Church. When I was an AP on my mission (just kidding – I wasn’t an assistant, I just want to make fun of that phrase) but seriously missionaries tend to seek out less active members frequently. And as a missionary or ministering sister or brother, you come to know that many of these individuals still have strong testimonies of the restored gospel of Christ. Elder Bednar has met with hundreds of such individuals and a recurring reason for their absence from church was due to being offended by someone in their congregation.

He would say, “Let me make sure I understand what has happened to you. Because someone at church offended you, you have not been blessed by the ordinance of the sacrament. You have withdrawn yourself from the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Because someone at church offended you, you have cut yourself off from priesthood ordinances and the holy temple. You have discontinued your opportunity to serve others and to learn and grow. And you are leaving barriers that will impede the spiritual progress of your children, your children’s children, and the generations that will follow.” Many times people would think for a moment and then respond: “I have never thought about it that way.”

Activity in the Church is not the perfect barometer for our spiritual health in this regard. Those of us who come to Church every Sunday can still harbor ill will and bitterness which drives away the Spirit and builds barriers between us. We’ve all been hurt at some point or another, and each one of us has been the cause of offense to others. We’re all subject to the temptations and frailties of this fallen world.

And we can’t forget that the Savior never told us not to feel. He never condemned sadness or the need to process our emotions in response to harm at the hands of another. He himself was a man of sorrows acquainted with grief, who wept and was betrayed. We shouldn’t feel shame for these responses and we shouldn’t invalidate the feelings of others. Our emotions give us feedback, showing us where we need to heal, what judgments we’re holding onto regarding ourselves and others. They help us recognize if we’re stuck in the past or paralyzed by the uncertainty of the future. Emotions are certainly worthy of paying attention to as they inform us of what aspects of our lives could benefit from change and remind us of how necessary it is for us to take advantage of the atonement of Christ.

Christ admonishes us to “live together in love” with “no disputations among you,” warning that “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me.” If feeding the hungry and clothing the naked are reflections of how we serve the Savior, when we withhold forgiveness from our brothers and sisters, we have done it unto Him!

“If ye … desire to come unto me,” He said to the Nephites, “and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—
“Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to [him], and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.”

In the latest conference, Elder Holland said that “Surely each of us could cite an endless array of old scars and sorrows and painful memories that this very moment still corrode the peace in someone’s heart or family or neighborhood. Whether we have caused that pain or been the recipient of the pain, those wounds need to be healed so that life can be as rewarding as God intended it to be. Those old grievances have long since exceeded their expiration date. Please don’t give precious space in your soul to them any longer.”

The Savior taught: “Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:9–10).

Of the miracles of Christ, my favorite recorded in scripture occurred when He healed the ear of the high priest's servant who was coming to arrest Jesus and deliver Him to be crucified. Christ forgave and served without a second thought!

When we refuse to forgive, we forget that the Lord understands each of His children's hearts and circumstances perfectly and that judgment belongs to Him alone. As He is the righteous judge, we can rest assured that He will deal perfect justice and mercy to those who sin against others as well as those harmed.

Like His other commandments, the Lord's requirement of forgiveness brings peace and joy as we choose to receive healing through His atonement by setting aside our grudges. Then we learn for ourselves that the Savior’s grace is not only for those who need to repent, but for those who need to forgive.

In regards to forgiving others, the Lord doesn’t expect us to reenter toxic relationships or abusive and destructive circumstances. I’m sure that if an individual’s ultimatum was to go to a different ward or not go to church at all, the Lord would obviously prefer that individual to take the sacrament as opposed to isolating and denying themselves those blessings. And while the burden of worthiness and commitment to the gospel is the sole responsibility of each of God’s children, respectively, members of the Church have covenanted with God to be ambassadors for Christ in the ministry of reconciliation. We have to live our faith as best we can. We all fall short and have our hypocrisies, that’s only to be expected from imperfect mortals. As King Benjamin rhetorically asked, are we not all beggars? However, as we pursue the path of the peacemaker, we can provide a nurturing environment headed by the ultimate healer, Jesus Christ, who is the antidote to every malady.

I have experienced the relieving balm of Gilead through Christ's power as it enabled me to forgive those who hurt me in my youth, including my sexual abuser, and even helped me to have pity for them. People often act from places of hurt or ignorance, and although that doesn't justify what they do, it grants us patience when we accept that truth.

I realized after many years that I had conjured up a bully in my mind, embodying the teasing and pain I had received from real people. This imaginary entity would laugh at me when I failed, or looked in the mirror, or considered trying again, which constantly wore against my self-esteem and desire to keep going. Once I recognized this, I knew that by harboring those negative feelings toward people who probably didn't even remember or realize that they had hurt me, I was allowing the subconscious bully to win. When I let go, the snickering of that voice in my head died out. We forgive, not necessarily because our adversaries deserve it, but because we don't deserve to be hurt by them anymore.

In conclusion, I hope that we all recognize that we can’t afford to let anyone or any offense to come between us and an ideal relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ, who forgave freely - even those who crucified Him. If we have hurt others, Christ wants us to do our part to reconcile with them. If we are harboring resentment and its unnecessary pain, the Lord commands us to forgive. No grudge is worth its cost. We each need to humble ourselves in one degree or another in order to repent and reconcile ourselves with our Heavenly Father through the atonement of Jesus Christ. So remove the knives from your back and leave them to rust as you seek the Healer, rather than use them to perpetuate the pain you've endured.

May we start this new year with hearts free from the burden of animosity. I testify that the Lord can restore peace to our souls and allow us to forgive those whom we never thought we could. I know it.

7 Devils

Paul's explanation to Timothy,"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind," has frankly unsettled me for years.

Having fought with anxiety since I was a little boy, it often feels like its interwoven with my every thought, biologically, as if God created me this way. Am I a screw up because of how my brain works? Does God not care about me because He lets me be preoccupied by fear? Where is the power and sound mind I so desperately yearn for?

Of the women from whom Christ cast out devils, the Bible only names one: Mary called Magdalene. The fact that she is mentioned at all is significant, as anyone who's read the Bible knows that female figures are scarce. She seems to play a supporting role in the Gospels, ministering unto Christ of her substance (Luke 8), but there is a deeply moving lesson we can learn from her life.

Why did Mary have seven devils within her, and what does that even mean? Was she demonically possessed like the self-harming man housing "Legion"? From how understand it, such possessions can only occur when the host extends an invitation, and I seem to recall James E. Talmage discussing that this was not the case with Mary in his book Jesus the Christ.

I think it is reasonable to consider that her demons were of a more metaphorical kind. Perhaps she was haunted by the shame of her sins or past mistakes. Maybe she was troubled by mental or physical illness. Was loneliness and a lack of a sense of purpose holding her down? Perhaps she failed to meet societal expectations such as marriage and childbearing.

Whatever the case may be, when Jesus entered her life, these burdens were made light and she was freed. Unlike the ungrateful lepers, Mary became a faithful follower of Christ like His apostles, proving to be more loyal than even they at the time of His crucifixion. It was she who expressed her devotion and great mourning for the loss of her friend and savior by traveling to the tomb to dress Him before His corpse was sealed up.

She never got the chance, for which she was immediately heartbroken. At the sight of the empty tomb, she believed she had lost her opportunity to say goodbye and that her Lord's body had been desecrated. Even the voices of the angels failed to console her in her agony and grief.

But she heard her name called, perhaps remembering the first time that voice had formed her name as it drew her from the depths of her devils, and she knew it was the Master.

The Lord, as far as we know, presented Himself first to this virtuous woman, a woman whom others likely looked down upon at some point for the devils she once fought. The Lord had ordained apostles, leaders who held His priesthood and would bear His name throughout the known world, but the Lord first appeared to someone who met Him while in darkness. Someone who had learned through the pains of her own Gethsemane. A woman who never forsook her Savior.

I often hesitate to share my experiences with mental illness and suicidal ideation. The stigma around mental disorders is rough enough to deal with as it is. To build upon that, the world tells me every day that not seeking romance with other men is the cause of such struggles. I know that members of the Church as well as other religious sects feel that if they admit to having emotional challenges that they are also admitting that their faith isn't strong enough. The Plan of Happiness is supposed to make you happy, right?

Tragedy hits us all. We're all subject to the pains of this fallen world. Many of God's children have to fight every day against their own brains to stay alive. Acting in faith and holding fast to the hope we have in Christ's grace will grant us greater power than we can recognize with our mortal eyes, but to expect happiness every day is ludicrous. There is tension that comes with self-restraint, but fighting the good fight and conquering the natural man is why we're here.

The legendary apostle Paul owned up to the thorn in his flesh, a struggle that he begged the Lord repeatedly to remove. We as followers of Christ shouldn't be ashamed of what sadness or anxiety or weaknesses we endure. It doesn't mean that we don't have testimonies, and it certainly doesn't mean that the Church isn't true. The mockery of the world will use anything it can to chip away at our faith, and our "devils" provide the world with gratifying ammunition.

We should remember Paul's following sentence to Timothy, "Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;" When we are loyal to Him, God empowers us to bear His name and testify of Him. 

Was Mary embraced by others when she was possessed with her devils? When she was freed? When she dedicated her life to Christ? We don't know, but what we do know is that she was cherished and remembered by Christ. No matter what our personal demons are, we can rest assured that towards us, He feels the same.

How to (and How NOT to) Respond to Someone Coming Out

Coming out was literally the scariest thing I've ever done. Scarier than any roller coaster I've been on.  Scarier than trying out for the varsity team and for musical performance groups. Scarier than showering with other guys after gym class. Scarier than moving away to college. Scarier than leaving for and staying on a mission. Scarier than looking down the barrels of loaded guns of a gang in Mexico. Seriously. Coming out was absolutely terrifying.

I know that my fears were not unusual. Just as I shook in anticipation of the event, thousands of other people wonder if their parents, family, family, and associates will react to this new information. Most people have done everything they could think of to conceal this aspect of their identity for fear of persecution, rejection, and further shame.

So, when someone comes out to you, it's the greatest form of trust they can show to you. I am often asked how to best respond when someone comes out to you, so I've tried to consolidate my thoughts and produce some tips on how to honor that. In the process, I ended up ruminating on the botched responses I've received over the years; I thought about entitling this post “What I’m Sicka Hearing” but that wouldn’t necessary be an accurate description of its contents. This post will be sloppy but hopefully helpful.

Here are some responses to remember and consider when a loved one comes out to you:

"Thank you for trusting me"
This has been one of the most wonderful responses I've received. It's simple and pure. It acknowledges the extreme vulnerability involved in such a revelation.

"You've dealt with a heavy burden in secret for so long"
Validation is critical. Your loved one has overheard conversations, snarky comments, and jokes about gay people. They've played out the reactions people would have if they were to be outed. Recognizing the price they've paid for their own safety will show your maturity and investment in their happiness.

"How can I support you?" "I'm here for you"
There’s a good chance that your loved one doesn’t know the answer. That's okay! If we all knew exactly what we needed at all times, and I mean, having a perfect understanding of the logistics of how to satisfy our needs, we wouldn't have to have faith in God's plan for us to learn for ourselves and from each other.

Ask them questions
This needs to be done sensitively, obviously, so as to not be offensive, but even if you ask the "wrong question," but when you ask questions, you at least show that you have a degree of meekness and a desire to at least try to understand. Ask them what their experience has been like, for example. When I've come out to someone and they never bring it up again, I've got the feeling that they either don't care how I'm doing or feel too awkward to address the elephant in the room. This can lend a sense of rejection. So, while it may be hard and awkward, don't act like this is a topic too sensitive to bring up with your loved one. If they can't handle the conversation, let them know that you're always willing to talk to them about what they need to discuss.

“I love and respect you even more now that you’ve shared this part of you with me.”
Too often hear “I love him/her, but” and then going off about how they can’t support someone making the choice to seek relationships with someone of the same sex. People are terrified of losing the people they love once their secret gets out. The Lord loves everyone, regardless of who they’re dating, and it’s not our place to withhold love in order to leverage change in another person. That wasn’t the Savior’s way.

"This doesn't harm our friendship/relationship"
Closeted gay folk often fear that even if they are accepted, or at least not flat out rejected, their relationship with the person they've opened up to will become awkward or at least diminished in its significance. That's something I've had to deal with and accept myself. To establish that their same-sex attraction will not put a hamper on your relationship will give your loved one hope that they have someone they can count on.

Give give them a hug!
When I first started coming out, I always feared that I would be perceived as hypersexual and malintentioned, particularly when opening up to men. I feared that they would think I was hitting on them or something. I know that I’m not the only one who’s had these fears; people talk about it all the time! And, without exception, receiving a hug in return for this vulnerability grants an enormous sense of relief, validation, and belonging. It helps dispel many of the stories your loved one has been telling themselves for years and sets their fears at ease. If they don’t find love and acceptance in your arms, they’ll seek them elsewhere.

On the other hand, there are many ways you can screw things up, and here are some ways that people have responded to me or my friends. I don't share them to complain, but in hopes that you'll consider avoiding them:

“If you just had more faith” or “if you allowed the Atonement to heal you”
A lot of the time people who experience same-sex attraction have exercised incredible faith and have undergone intense introspection to rid themselves of their attractions toward their same sex. They’ve read everything the Church has ever published on the matter. They’ve fasted and prayed consistently with furvor. They’ve served faithfully in their callings and have tried to be the “golden child.” By telling them that they don’t have enough faith in the atonement to be freed from their trial is a cop-out answer that leaves the individual ashamed and feeling unworthy. While Christ can heal any wound and enable us to conquer any weakness or temptation, He often chooses not to so that we can learn and progress toward godhood. The choice is yours, however, to learn from your gay friend and to play a key role in their healing, however that ends up looking like. 

“Single women are expected to keep the Law of Chastity, too”
Ugh I hate this one SO much. One, it mimizes the pain that single women experience. Often times, women are single because they don’t get asked on dates. This can be for a variety of reasons, but the most commonly cited reason is that they’re visually unappealing. Their self-esteem is often affected because of this; they feel worthless and unwanted. Yes, they don’t get the romantic attachment and sexual happiness that comes with marriage, similar to gay members of the Church (particularly gay men). However, there are significant differences between these two demographics. Single women in the Church get special attention from their bishops and ward councils because they’re assumed to be lonely and in need of fellowship. Additionally, and most importantly in my opinion, they can pray at night and fast that someday they’ll meet the man of their dreams, and subsequently be married and have a magnificent sexual relationship (or, at least, have one at all). Obviously, this is not the case with gay members of the Church. We often pray that we won't give into a relationship with someone we're attracted to, or we pray to overcome a crush on a member of the same sex. If we do end up marrying someone of the same sex, we have to accept the disdain and disapproval of our families, friends, wards, etc., as well as recognize that we're distancing ourselves from Christ by allowing ourselves to have a companion.

“The Lord isn’t asking anything different than He asks anyone else. We all have to keep the Law of Chastity”

This is rather similar to the previous response. But lets take it from a slightly different angle. "The Lord" is often a euphemism for Church culture.

“Why are you living a lie? You should be true to who you are”
I get this a LOT from people outside the Church and surprisingly from someone within active membership. It’s extremely frustrating, because I have to go on the defensive and explain that I am only true to myself when I am true to the Lord. Heavenly Father has commanded me to honor my divine heritage by living a pure and virtuous life, and that greatly relies on my commitment to the Law of Chastity. Living a life outside of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is accepting Satan’s counterfeit Plan of Happiness, which seems at least to me to be the epitome of “living a lie.”

“I KNEW IT”
Rude. Believe it or not, this individual has probably done everything they could think of to conceal their sexual orientation, which has been terribly draining over the course of many years. Even if you were fairly certain that they weren’t straight, at least have the decency to not say so. If they ask, MAYBE tell them that you had a feeling (depending on how you gage them to be emotionally). Rather listen intently and offer support. 

“We all have our challenges”
Yes, this is true. I found this response helpful to me when I first started coming out. However, if that’s the main response, it can come off as dismissive and unempathetic. Be sure you clarify that no one is perfect, untempted, or free from shame. 

“Are you attracted to me?”
UGH I hate this one. Typically, or at least, in my experience, people don’t come out to the people they’re attracted to. Those who do...well, I don’t understand them - that takes more nerve than I typically have (haha!). I sometimes respond by saying something along the lines of “I said I’m GAY, not DESPERATE!” and that breaks up the tension caused by the question. Try not to assume people’s motives when they come out to you (beyond the fact that they need love and support).

"In the next life you'll be happy and married"
A lot of gay people are unsettled by this. Why? Well, does this mean that they'll become heterosexuals once they're dead? While being attracted to the same sex is only an aspect of someone's personality, it has a far-reaching affect into the other aspects of a person. It can affect how they dress, talk, joke, what kind of entertainment they enjoy, etc. (But not necessarily, of course). If my same-sex attraction was taken away, I'd be a different person; my personality would change. Some people feel that it wouldn't be true heaven if they weren't married to someone that they were attracted to, and in this case it would be a member of the same sex. Personally, I know that whatever the reality of heaven is, I know that Heavenly Father will have prepared for me will be better that anything I can imagine. A related comment that can be frustrating is "in the next life, all will be made right and you'll have every blessing promised to the faithful." This needs to be packaged tactfully according to whom you're speaking with, because that just makes some people want to die sooner so they can finally get the peace they're seeking. Give them reasons to stay.

"Why can't gay people keep it to themselves? I don't walk around flaunting my heterosexuality"
I understand why it can be frustrating to see the pride marches celebrating relationships and acts that are outside of the constructs of the Gospel. The fact that they're even called "pride" parades makes people uncomfortable because pride is the opposite of humility, and we're taught by prophets throughout time to avoid pride like the plague. Additionally, interacting with people whose personality seems to be entirely constructed of the fact that they're gay can seem inauthentic as such personas can come across as contrived. After all, most people don't introduce themselves as "straight." However, these comments can come across as homophobic, like the fact that anyone would want to have a relationship with a member of the same sex is grotesque or sinful in and of itself. This message, intended or not, can really hurt someone's feelings even if they're keeping their covenants. Also, for the most part we assume that most people are straight, so there isn't a need to introduce oneself as heterosexual. Some people don't want to be miscategorized as straight because they feel it's inauthentic and/or shaming, so they dress or advertise in a way that makes it clear that they're being themselves (in this case, a flaming homosexual). Whatever the case may be, if someone is coming out to you, avoid shaming comments or questions as much as possible. Also, it doesn't seem like you're flaunting your straight sexuality, but if you're a guy wearing a hoodie and gym/cargo shorts with socks in your Chaco knockoffs...smh

"Don't expect special treatment"

I occasionally get this from members of the Church, and it drives me crazy. I can only assume to understand what they mean by this. Is it that I don't want to be scolded for not being married, or I don't want to be expected to date the opposite sex? Do they mean that I shouldn't feel like a martyr requiring adoration and respect for my sacrifice for the Gospel? I'm getting better at calling people out on their crap, but I'm pretty introverted and I don't want people to dislike gay people more than they already do.

Home remedies:

“You should masturbate to straight porn”
Believe it or not, I’ve heard this before, and I know I’m not the only one. I have a friend who came out to her relief society president and this was her response. *facepalm* What are you thinking?! Looking at porn is a sin and coupling it with masturbation isn’t going to help anyone lose their attraction for their same sex. If anything, it will lead to or reinforce destructively addictive behaviors and potentially disqualify them from temple blessings. Have some common sense!

 “You should date/get married. Once you have sex with a woman, you’ll understand”
First of all, dating is very frustrating to me and many other gay Mormons. Most of the dates I go on, I feel uncomfortable and wonder how I could ever “make it work” with this girl. Some already know I’m into guys, but I typically don’t present myself that way. Besides, if I did, most girls wouldn’t give me a chance. I always tell a girl about my journey once we’ve gone on several dates, by the way.

“You need to take testosterone supplements” 
First of all, I have PLENTY of body hair. But it’s long been disproven that testosterone supplements don’t make you magically attracted to women. It just makes you horny (forgive the term). Homosexuality isn’t caused by not being masculine, either. 

“This doesn’t change anything”
So, this isn’t TOO bad, as long as you clarify that you aren’t judging them based on this new information. However, finding out that your friend/family member experiences same-sex attraction should at least spark a greater appreciation for the pain, lonliness, and shame they’ve experienced for so long, as well as for the resilience and faith they’ve exhibited by hanging on. Hopefully, a change that will occur will manifest in you being a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear in the future as your loved one continues to navigate their sensitive challenges.

Between my two jobs, my last semester at BYU, studying for the GRE, and addressing my chronic illness, I don't have enough time to write blog posts very often. Then again, who reads these things anyway? That being said, I hope that this post at least brings new ideas and a different perspective to helping your loved ones when they come out to you. Some of the principles within this post are applicable to when someone comes out on social media but not directly to you. Whatever the case may be and however you react, please do so prayerfully. I intend to update this post from time to time when more ideas present themselves. If you have anything you'd like to add or contest, feel free to comment below!

Crisis of Faith

Have you or your loved ones ever experienced a crisis of faith?

I don't know if I ever have, but I've certainly had questions keep me up at night for years. It's important, however, to remember that questions do not represent a lack of faith. There's a significant difference between questions and doubts. Questions come from an absence of knowledge, whereas doubts come as an absence of trust. 

Some people begin to experience a crisis of faith as a result of not feeling the Spirit or the love of God. Others have unanswered questions. Sometimes the actions of leaders cause us to generalize their choices to the Church as a whole, or an aspect of Church history taken out of context gives us pause.

Whatever the source of the cognitive dissonance, remember that it is a choice to keep the faith. 

Everyone experiences questions or doubts at some point in their lives. The good thing is, you can make this part of your faith experience! After you overcome this struggle, you can apply the lessons you've learned to new obstacles you face, and you can extend a hand to those still wandering in darkness.

Recognize how you feel when you have faith. Faith lifts and inspires. Doubt saddens and demotivates. Moroni 7 teaches about this principle:

11 For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil.

12 Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually.

13 But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.

Many of the people I know who have experienced a faith crisis focus their research on evidence that supports their doubts. However, as President Uchtdorf taught in General Conference, we need to doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith. As you look for answers that uphold your faith, you'll soon realize that there is far more evidence for the Gospel than there is for doubt.

A hard lesson that I've had to learn is that sometimes I have to command​ myself to fall to my knees and pray in humility. I'm sure you've had similar experiences when you've had to force yourself to keep the commandments, even when you don't understand their purpose. By doing this, we show our Heavenly Father that we are willing to surrender our wills to Him, and this will surely open the windows of heaven for us to receive celestial blessings.

Finally, I hope you come to recognize that it's okay to not have all of the answers. We often put the prophet and apostles on a pedestal and unconsciously believe that they know all things. The truth is, they're mortal men who haven't received the answers to every question. Elder Hugh B. Brown admitted "My questioning soul still questions." They proceed in faith and so must we.

We weren't sent to earth knowing all things, and we certainly don't have enough time to learn all things during our mortal journey. 

Isaiah teaches in Isaiah 40 that "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." In order to wait upon the Lord, we need to seek Him, and while doing so, we simultaneously need to trust that we will find Him. 

In Jeremiah 29:13, Jehovah teaches "ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” There have been many times in my life when I felt that the Lord was hiding from me, as Isaiah speaks of in Isaiah 8:17. As He likely won't manifest Himself to me visually, I've had to seek Him with my heart.

In one of these times of ambiguity, I was struggling to know if I should serve a mission. I was undeniably attracted to other men, and I didn't even know if homosexuals were allowed to serve missions. At the same time, I was absolutely terrified of the possible repercussions of "coming out of the closet." Would my faith be enough to sustain me through whatever would come of such a revelation? 

As I sought answers, I didn't immediately find any. It took many days of fasting and countless prayers to keep me on track as I sought God's plan for me. Over time, elements of truth came to me like drops of oil rising to the surface of water. After reading Ty Mansfield's In Quiet Desperation and recognizing that while I had no sins to confess I still needed the ministering of my bishop, I decided to step forward and share my story with him and my parents. 

As a result of my opening up, I was referred to LDS Family Services. While my same-sex attraction proved no obstruction to serving a mission, my papers were put on hold until my clinical depression was deemed under control.

My patriarchal blessing told me that "at an appropriate time" I would be called to serve a mission. This gave me courage and trust in the Lord as I waded through months of ambiguity and the countless prying questions of family, friends, and ward members.

When I finally received my mission call, I was honestly a little disappointed. I wanted so desperately to serve in a foreign country or at least learn a new lesson. I had taken years of German in hopes of serving in Europe. Was this really what the Lord wanted for me?

The hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" touched my heart and gave me the confirmation I needed.

But if, by a still, small voice he calls

To paths that I do not know,

I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:

I’ll go where you want me to go.

O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,

Tho dark and rugged the way,

My voice shall echo the message sweet:

I’ll say what you want me to say.

So trusting my all to thy tender care,

And knowing thou lovest me,

I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere:

I’ll be what you want me to be.

I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,

Over mountain or plain or sea;

I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;

I’ll be what you want me to be.

I know that I had unique gifts to offer my mission. Although I constantly felt like an inadequate missionary, my mission president and his wife begged me to believe that I was more than adequate, that my attractions had led me to a strong relationship with my Savior and that such a bond would shine through my testimony. Over time, I found the Lord in the midst of ambiguity as He led me by the hand down paths that I did not know.

There’s a despair that comes when we realize that our lives won’t turn out the way we had hoped and planned, but the future the Lord prepares for those who consecrate their lives to Him is more glorious than we can imagine. That being said, it's important to realize that the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us may not match the ideal that we have mapped out in our minds. 

I've often fallen into the mindset that God measured me against this plan and that I can screw it all up at any moment, subsequently denying myself the degree of happiness that God hoped I would achieve. I've learned that I'm not that powerful.

It takes a lot of courage and faith to also recognize that others seem to have the path that you long so desperately to walk. For me, such paths include marriage, children, and health. It takes a lot of charity for me to go to wedding receptions, baby blessings, and athletic events because they're so painful for me. I have to find joy in celebrating the joy of others while recognizing that God's path for me isn't any less significant or heaven blessed.

We have to choose faith. We have to recognize that we aren't forced to face change and progression by ourselves. Satan whispers that we are all alone. If we feel lost and confused while we wait on the Lord, as I so often do, we can find hope and reassurance in His love for us.

Doctrine and Covenants 90:24 admonishes us to "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.” When we meekly accept what the Lord allows us to experience, we will find the lessons we must master to gain exaltation. We must wait on the Lord, knowing as Job that He "maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole” (Job 5:18).

It's not a sin to have a crisis of faith. It's not a sin to have questions. And, it's not a sin to feel lost. Wait on the Lord and cast your burden at His feet. Answers will come. Angels on both sides of the veil will bear you up if you vulnerably reach out for help and meekly accept the counsel of the Spirit.