Thursday, October 11, 2018

7 Devils

Paul's explanation to Timothy,"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind," has frankly unsettled me for years.

Having fought with anxiety since I was a little boy, it often feels like its interwoven with my every thought, biologically, as if God created me this way. Am I a screw up because of how my brain works? Does God not care about me because He lets me be preoccupied by fear? Where is the power and sound mind I so desperately yearn for?

Of the women from whom Christ cast out devils, the Bible only names one: Mary called Magdalene. The fact that she is mentioned at all is significant, as anyone who's read the Bible knows that female figures are scarce. She seems to play a supporting role in the Gospels, ministering unto Christ of her substance (Luke 8), but there is a deeply moving lesson we can learn from her life.



Why did Mary have seven devils within her, and what does that even mean? Was she demonically possessed like the self-harming man housing "Legion"? From how understand it, such possessions can only occur when the host extends an invitation, and I seem to recall James E. Talmage discussing that this was not the case with Mary in his book Jesus the Christ.

I think it is reasonable to consider that her demons were of a more metaphorical kind. Perhaps she was haunted by the shame of her sins or past mistakes. Maybe she was troubled by mental or physical illness. Was loneliness and a lack of a sense of purpose holding her down? Perhaps she failed to meet societal expectations such as marriage and childbearing.


Whatever the case may be, when Jesus entered her life, these burdens were made light and she was freed. Unlike the ungrateful lepers, Mary became a faithful follower of Christ like His apostles, proving to be more loyal than even they at the time of His crucifixion. It was she who expressed her devotion and great mourning for the loss of her friend and savior by traveling to the tomb to dress Him before His corpse was sealed up.


She never got the chance, for which she was immediately heartbroken. At the sight of the empty tomb, she believed she had lost her opportunity to say goodbye and that her Lord's body had been desecrated. Even the voices of the angels failed to console her in her agony and grief.




But she heard her name called, perhaps remembering the first time that voice had formed her name as it drew her from the depths of her devils, and she knew it was the Master.

The Lord, as far as we know, presented Himself first to this virtuous woman, a woman whom others likely looked down upon at some point for the devils she once fought. The Lord had ordained apostles, leaders who held His priesthood and would bear His name throughout the known world, but the Lord first appeared to someone who met Him while in darkness. Someone who had learned through the pains of her own Gethsemane. A woman who never forsook her Savior.




I often hesitate to share my experiences with mental illness and suicidal ideation. The stigma around mental disorders is rough enough to deal with as it is. To build upon that, the world tells me every day that not seeking romance with other men is the cause of such struggles. I know that members of the Church as well as other religious sects feel that if they admit to having emotional challenges that they are also admitting that their faith isn't strong enough. The Plan of Happiness is supposed to make you happy, right?

Tragedy hits us all. We're all subject to the pains of this fallen world. Many of God's children have to fight every day against their own brains to stay alive. Acting in faith and holding fast to the hope we have in Christ's grace will grant us greater power than we can recognize with our mortal eyes, but to expect happiness every day is ludicrous. There is tension that comes with self-restraint, but fighting the good fight and conquering the natural man is why we're here.

The legendary apostle Paul owned up to the thorn in his flesh, a struggle that he begged the Lord repeatedly to remove. We as followers of Christ shouldn't be ashamed of what sadness or anxiety or weaknesses we endure. It doesn't mean that we don't have testimonies, and it certainly doesn't mean that the Church isn't true. The mockery of the world will use anything it can to chip away at our faith, and our "devils" provide the world with gratifying ammunition.

We should remember Paul's following sentence to Timothy, "Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;" When we are loyal to Him, God empowers us to bear His name and testify of Him. 

Was Mary embraced by others when she was possessed with her devils? When she was freed? When she dedicated her life to Christ? We don't know, but what we do know is that she was cherished and remembered by Christ. No matter what our personal demons are, we can rest assured that towards us, He feels the same.




Wednesday, June 27, 2018

How to (and How NOT to) Respond to Someone Coming Out

Coming out was literally the scariest thing I've ever done. Scarier than any roller coaster I've been on.  Scarier than trying out for the varsity team and for musical performance groups. Scarier than showering with other guys after gym class. Scarier than moving away to college. Scarier than leaving for and staying on a mission. Scarier than looking down the barrels of loaded guns of a gang in Mexico. Seriously. Coming out was absolutely terrifying.

I know that my fears were not unusual. Just as I shook in anticipation of the event, thousands of other people wonder if their parents, family, family, and associates will react to this new information. Most people have done everything they could think of to conceal this aspect of their identity for fear of persecution, rejection, and further shame.

So, when someone comes out to you, it's the greatest form of trust they can show to you. I am often asked how to best respond when someone comes out to you, so I've tried to consolidate my thoughts and produce some tips on how to honor that. In the process, I ended up ruminating on the botched responses I've received over the years; I thought about entitling this post “What I’m Sicka Hearing” but that wouldn’t necessary be an accurate description of its contents. This post will be sloppy but hopefully helpful.

Here are some responses to remember and consider when a loved one comes out to you:

"Thank you for trusting me"
This has been one of the most wonderful responses I've received. It's simple and pure. It acknowledges the extreme vulnerability involved in such a revelation.

"You've dealt with a heavy burden in secret for so long"
Validation is critical. Your loved one has overheard conversations, snarky comments, and jokes about gay people. They've played out the reactions people would have if they were to be outed. Recognizing the price they've paid for their own safety will show your maturity and investment in their happiness.

"How can I support you?" "I'm here for you"
There’s a good chance that your loved one doesn’t know the answer. That's okay! If we all knew exactly what we needed at all times, and I mean, having a perfect understanding of the logistics of how to satisfy our needs, we wouldn't have to have faith in God's plan for us to learn for ourselves and from each other.



Ask them questions
This needs to be done sensitively, obviously, so as to not be offensive, but even if you ask the "wrong question," but when you ask questions, you at least show that you have a degree of meekness and a desire to at least try to understand. Ask them what their experience has been like, for example. When I've come out to someone and they never bring it up again, I've got the feeling that they either don't care how I'm doing or feel too awkward to address the elephant in the room. This can lend a sense of rejection. So, while it may be hard and awkward, don't act like this is a topic too sensitive to bring up with your loved one. If they can't handle the conversation, let them know that you're always willing to talk to them about what they need to discuss.



I love and respect you even more now that you’ve shared this part of you with me.”
Too often hear “I love him/her, but” and then going off about how they can’t support someone making the choice to seek relationships with someone of the same sex. People are terrified of losing the people they love once their secret gets out. The Lord loves everyone, regardless of who they’re dating, and it’s not our place to withhold love in order to leverage change in another person. That wasn’t the Savior’s way.



"This doesn't harm our friendship/relationship"
Closeted gay folk often fear that even if they are accepted, or at least not flat out rejected, their relationship with the person they've opened up to will become awkward or at least diminished in its significance. That's something I've had to deal with and accept myself. To establish that their same-sex attraction will not put a hamper on your relationship will give your loved one hope that they have someone they can count on.



Give give them a hug!
When I first started coming out, I always feared that I would be perceived as hypersexual and malintentioned, particularly when opening up to men. I feared that they would think I was hitting on them or something. I know that I’m not the only one who’s had these fears; people talk about it all the time! And, without exception, receiving a hug in return for this vulnerability grants an enormous sense of relief, validation, and belonging. It helps dispel many of the stories your loved one has been telling themselves for years and sets their fears at ease. If they don’t find love and acceptance in your arms, they’ll seek them elsewhere.



On the other hand, there are many ways you can screw things up, and here are some ways that people have responded to me or my friends. I don't share them to complain, but in hopes that you'll consider avoiding them:

If you just had more faith” or “if you allowed the Atonement to heal you
A lot of the time people who experience same-sex attraction have exercised incredible faith and have undergone intense introspection to rid themselves of their attractions toward their same sex. They’ve read everything the Church has ever published on the matter. They’ve fasted and prayed consistently with furvor. They’ve served faithfully in their callings and have tried to be the “golden child.” By telling them that they don’t have enough faith in the atonement to be freed from their trial is a cop-out answer that leaves the individual ashamed and feeling unworthy. While Christ can heal any wound and enable us to conquer any weakness or temptation, He often chooses not to so that we can learn and progress toward godhood. The choice is yours, however, to learn from your gay friend and to play a key role in their healing, however that ends up looking like. 

Single women are expected to keep the Law of Chastity, too
Ugh I hate this one SO much. One, it mimizes the pain that single women experience. Often times, women are single because they don’t get asked on dates. This can be for a variety of reasons, but the most commonly cited reason is that they’re visually unappealing. Their self-esteem is often affected because of this; they feel worthless and unwanted. Yes, they don’t get the romantic attachment and sexual happiness that comes with marriage, similar to gay members of the Church (particularly gay men). However, there are significant differences between these two demographics. Single women in the Church get special attention from their bishops and ward councils because they’re assumed to be lonely and in need of fellowship. Additionally, and most importantly in my opinion, they can pray at night and fast that someday they’ll meet the man of their dreams, and subsequently be married and have a magnificent sexual relationship (or, at least, have one at all). Obviously, this is not the case with gay members of the Church. We often pray that we won't give into a relationship with someone we're attracted to, or we pray to overcome a crush on a member of the same sex. If we do end up marrying someone of the same sex, we have to accept the disdain and disapproval of our families, friends, wards, etc., as well as recognize that we're distancing ourselves from Christ by allowing ourselves to have a companion.

The Lord isn’t asking anything different than He asks anyone else. We all have to keep the Law of Chastity
This is rather similar to the previous response. But lets take it from a slightly different angle. "The Lord" is often a euphemism for Church culture.

Why are you living a lie? You should be true to who you are
I get this a LOT from people outside the Church and surprisingly from someone within active membership. It’s extremely frustrating, because I have to go on the defensive and explain that I am only true to myself when I am true to the Lord. Heavenly Father has commanded me to honor my divine heritage by living a pure and virtuous life, and that greatly relies on my commitment to the Law of Chastity. Living a life outside of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is accepting Satan’s counterfeit Plan of Happiness, which seems at least to me to be the epitome of “living a lie.”

I KNEW IT
Rude. Believe it or not, this individual has probably done everything they could think of to conceal their sexual orientation, which has been terribly draining over the course of many years. Even if you were fairly certain that they weren’t straight, at least have the decency to not say so. If they ask, MAYBE tell them that you had a feeling (depending on how you gage them to be emotionally). Rather listen intently and offer support. 



We all have our challenges
Yes, this is true. I found this response helpful to me when I first started coming out. However, if that’s the main response, it can come off as dismissive and unempathetic. Be sure you clarify that no one is perfect, untempted, or free from shame. 

Are you attracted to me?”
UGH I hate this one. Typically, or at least, in my experience, people don’t come out to the people they’re attracted to. Those who do...well, I don’t understand them - that takes more nerve than I typically have (haha!). I sometimes respond by saying something along the lines of “I said I’m GAY, not DESPERATE!” and that breaks up the tension caused by the question. Try not to assume people’s motives when they come out to you (beyond the fact that they need love and support).



"In the next life you'll be happy and married"
A lot of gay people are unsettled by this. Why? Well, does this mean that they'll become heterosexuals once they're dead? While being attracted to the same sex is only an aspect of someone's personality, it has a far-reaching affect into the other aspects of a person. It can affect how they dress, talk, joke, what kind of entertainment they enjoy, etc. (But not necessarily, of course). If my same-sex attraction was taken away, I'd be a different person; my personality would change. Some people feel that it wouldn't be true heaven if they weren't married to someone that they were attracted to, and in this case it would be a member of the same sex. Personally, I know that whatever the reality of heaven is, I know that Heavenly Father will have prepared for me will be better that anything I can imagine. A related comment that can be frustrating is "in the next life, all will be made right and you'll have every blessing promised to the faithful." This needs to be packaged tactfully according to whom you're speaking with, because that just makes some people want to die sooner so they can finally get the peace they're seeking. Give them reasons to stay.

"Why can't gay people keep it to themselves? I don't walk around flaunting my heterosexuality"
I understand why it can be frustrating to see the pride marches celebrating relationships and acts that are outside of the constructs of the Gospel. The fact that they're even called "pride" parades makes people uncomfortable because pride is the opposite of humility, and we're taught by prophets throughout time to avoid pride like the plague. Additionally, interacting with people whose personality seems to be entirely constructed of the fact that they're gay can seem inauthentic as such personas can come across as contrived. After all, most people don't introduce themselves as "straight." However, these comments can come across as homophobic, like the fact that anyone would want to have a relationship with a member of the same sex is grotesque or sinful in and of itself. This message, intended or not, can really hurt someone's feelings even if they're keeping their covenants. Also, for the most part we assume that most people are straight, so there isn't a need to introduce oneself as heterosexual. Some people don't want to be miscategorized as straight because they feel it's inauthentic and/or shaming, so they dress or advertise in a way that makes it clear that they're being themselves (in this case, a flaming homosexual). Whatever the case may be, if someone is coming out to you, avoid shaming comments or questions as much as possible. Also, it doesn't seem like you're flaunting your straight sexuality, but if you're a guy wearing a hoodie and gym/cargo shorts with socks in your Chaco knockoffs...smh

"Don't expect special treatment"
I occasionally get this from members of the Church, and it drives me crazy. I can only assume to understand what they mean by this. Is it that I don't want to be scolded for not being married, or I don't want to be expected to date the opposite sex? Do they mean that I shouldn't feel like a martyr requiring adoration and respect for my sacrifice for the Gospel? I'm getting better at calling people out on their crap, but I'm pretty introverted and I don't want people to dislike gay people more than they already do.

Home remedies:

You should masturbate to straight porn
Believe it or not, I’ve heard this before, and I know I’m not the only one. I have a friend who came out to her relief society president and this was her response. *facepalm* What are you thinking?! Looking at porn is a sin and coupling it with masturbation isn’t going to help anyone lose their attraction for their same sex. If anything, it will lead to or reinforce destructively addictive behaviors and potentially disqualify them from temple blessings. Have some common sense!

 “You should date/get married. Once you have sex with a woman, you’ll understand
First of all, dating is very frustrating to me and many other gay Mormons. Most of the dates I go on, I feel uncomfortable and wonder how I could ever “make it work” with this girl. Some already know I’m into guys, but I typically don’t present myself that way. Besides, if I did, most girls wouldn’t give me a chance. I always tell a girl about my journey once we’ve gone on several dates, by the way.

“You need to take testosterone supplements” 
First of all, I have PLENTY of body hair. But it’s long been disproven that testosterone supplements don’t make you magically attracted to women. It just makes you horny (forgive the term). Homosexuality isn’t caused by not being masculine, either. 

This doesn’t change anything
So, this isn’t TOO bad, as long as you clarify that you aren’t judging them based on this new information. However, finding out that your friend/family member experiences same-sex attraction should at least spark a greater appreciation for the pain, lonliness, and shame they’ve experienced for so long, as well as for the resilience and faith they’ve exhibited by hanging on. Hopefully, a change that will occur will manifest in you being a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear in the future as your loved one continues to navigate their sensitive challenges.

Between my two jobs, my last semester at BYU, studying for the GRE, and addressing my chronic illness, I don't have enough time to write blog posts very often. Then again, who reads these things anyway? That being said, I hope that this post at least brings new ideas and a different perspective to helping your loved ones when they come out to you. Some of the principles within this post are applicable to when someone comes out on social media but not directly to you. Whatever the case may be and however you react, please do so prayerfully. I intend to update this post from time to time when more ideas present themselves. If you have anything you'd like to add or contest, feel free to comment below!

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Crisis of Faith

Have you or your loved ones ever experienced a crisis of faith?

I don't know if I ever have, but I've certainly had questions keep me up at night for years. It's important, however, to remember that questions do not represent a lack of faith. There's a significant difference between questions and doubts. Questions come from an absence of knowledge, whereas doubts come as an absence of trust. 

Some people begin to experience a crisis of faith as a result of not feeling the Spirit or the love of God. Others have unanswered questions. Sometimes the actions of leaders cause us to generalize their choices to the Church as a whole, or an aspect of Church history taken out of context gives us pause.



Whatever the source of the cognitive dissonance, remember that it is a choice to keep the faith. 

Everyone experiences questions or doubts at some point in their lives. The good thing is, you can make this part of your faith experience! After you overcome this struggle, you can apply the lessons you've learned to new obstacles you face, and you can extend a hand to those still wandering in darkness.



Recognize how you feel when you have faith. Faith lifts and inspires. Doubt saddens and demotivates. Moroni 7 teaches about this principle:

11 For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil.

12 Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually.

13 But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.

Many of the people I know who have experienced a faith crisis focus their research on evidence that supports their doubts. However, as President Uchtdorf taught in General Conference, we need to doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith. As you look for answers that uphold your faith, you'll soon realize that there is far more evidence for the Gospel than there is for doubt.

A hard lesson that I've had to learn is that sometimes I have to command​ myself to fall to my knees and pray in humility. I'm sure you've had similar experiences when you've had to force yourself to keep the commandments, even when you don't understand their purpose. By doing this, we show our Heavenly Father that we are willing to surrender our wills to Him, and this will surely open the windows of heaven for us to receive celestial blessings.



Finally, I hope you come to recognize that it's okay to not have all of the answers. We often put the prophet and apostles on a pedestal and unconsciously believe that they know all things. The truth is, they're mortal men who haven't received the answers to every question. Elder Hugh B. Brown admitted "My questioning soul still questions." They proceed in faith and so must we.

We weren't sent to earth knowing all things, and we certainly don't have enough time to learn all things during our mortal journey. 

Isaiah teaches in Isaiah 40 that "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." In order to wait upon the Lord, we need to seek Him, and while doing so, we simultaneously need to trust that we will find Him. 

In Jeremiah 29:13, Jehovah teaches "ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” There have been many times in my life when I felt that the Lord was hiding from me, as Isaiah speaks of in Isaiah 8:17. As He likely won't manifest Himself to me visually, I've had to seek Him with my heart.



In one of these times of ambiguity, I was struggling to know if I should serve a mission. I was undeniably attracted to other men, and I didn't even know if homosexuals were allowed to serve missions. At the same time, I was absolutely terrified of the possible repercussions of "coming out of the closet." Would my faith be enough to sustain me through whatever would come of such a revelation? 

As I sought answers, I didn't immediately find any. It took many days of fasting and countless prayers to keep me on track as I sought God's plan for me. Over time, elements of truth came to me like drops of oil rising to the surface of water. After reading Ty Mansfield's In Quiet Desperation and recognizing that while I had no sins to confess I still needed the ministering of my bishop, I decided to step forward and share my story with him and my parents. 

As a result of my opening up, I was referred to LDS Family Services. While my same-sex attraction proved no obstruction to serving a mission, my papers were put on hold until my clinical depression was deemed under control.

My patriarchal blessing told me that "at an appropriate time" I would be called to serve a mission. This gave me courage and trust in the Lord as I waded through months of ambiguity and the countless prying questions of family, friends, and ward members.

When I finally received my mission call, I was honestly a little disappointed. I wanted so desperately to serve in a foreign country or at least learn a new lesson. I had taken years of German in hopes of serving in Europe. Was this really what the Lord wanted for me?

The hymn "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" touched my heart and gave me the confirmation I needed.


But if, by a still, small voice he calls
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
I’ll go where you want me to go.

O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,
Tho dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo the message sweet:
I’ll say what you want me to say.

So trusting my all to thy tender care,
And knowing thou lovest me,
I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere:
I’ll be what you want me to be.

I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
Over mountain or plain or sea;
I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
I’ll be what you want me to be.

I know that I had unique gifts to offer my mission. Although I constantly felt like an inadequate missionary, my mission president and his wife begged me to believe that I was more than adequate, that my attractions had led me to a strong relationship with my Savior and that such a bond would shine through my testimony. Over time, I found the Lord in the midst of ambiguity as He led me by the hand down paths that I did not know.


There’s a despair that comes when we realize that our lives won’t turn out the way we had hoped and planned, but the future the Lord prepares for those who consecrate their lives to Him is more glorious than we can imagine. That being said, it's important to realize that the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us may not match the ideal that we have mapped out in our minds. 

I've often fallen into the mindset that God measured me against this plan and that I can screw it all up at any moment, subsequently denying myself the degree of happiness that God hoped I would achieve. I've learned that I'm not that powerful.

It takes a lot of courage and faith to also recognize that others seem to have the path that you long so desperately to walk. For me, such paths include marriage, children, and health. It takes a lot of charity for me to go to wedding receptions, baby blessings, and athletic events because they're so painful for me. I have to find joy in celebrating the joy of others while recognizing that God's path for me isn't any less significant or heaven blessed.



We have to choose faith. We have to recognize that we aren't forced to face change and progression by ourselves. Satan whispers that we are all alone. If we feel lost and confused while we wait on the Lord, as I so often do, we can find hope and reassurance in His love for us.

Doctrine and Covenants 90:24 admonishes us to "Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.” When we meekly accept what the Lord allows us to experience, we will find the lessons we must master to gain exaltation. We must wait on the Lord, knowing as Job that He "maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole” (Job 5:18).



It's not a sin to have a crisis of faith. It's not a sin to have questions. And, it's not a sin to feel lost. Wait on the Lord and cast your burden at His feet. Answers will come. Angels on both sides of the veil will bear you up if you vulnerably reach out for help and meekly accept the counsel of the Spirit.

Friday, February 23, 2018

That We May Be One

In “Christofferson brothers share how they remained 'as one',” Tom Chistofferson shares his experiences with being a gay member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A significant reason that his story gets so much attention is that his brother, D. Todd Christofferson, is a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I consider this to be a great blessing, because otherwise fewer members of the church would be conscious of this important issue. Tom exemplifies how the power of the atonement of Christ and the charity of members of the church can bridge divides that the world teaches cannot be reconciled.


            I’ve heard Tom’s story a number of times as I’ve attended events at which he spoke. It gives me a great deal of hope to see that an excommunicated member of the church would feel the Spirit enough to come back as a result of the unconditional love of local ward members and his family. I feel that there is much missionary work to be done in the LGBTQ community. It will take some time to change the culture of the church, which is likely the main stumbling block in this equation. This documentary will help people overcome their preconceived notions about homosexual attractions as opposed to immoral behavior.


            Tom’s journey to understand himself mirrors my own in many respects. I also had to do my own research to learn what homosexuality was. It was difficult to not have parents to turn to in this struggle (I had too much shame to vocalize to my parents until adulthood) was a terrible trial for me. I, like Tom, doubted that I could serve a mission because of my same-sex attractions. Similarly, I had hopes that God would help me get married because I served a mission, although I didn’t necessarily believe that my attractions would be taken away as Tom did.


            I really appreciated that the Christofferson parents never seemed to struggle with showing unconditional love to their son in spite of his excommunication from the church in pursuit of a gay marriage. They didn’t make their son a project. They still enjoyed having Tom in their lives and didn’t exclude him from family functions. There’s a common misconception that showing love to a child in a sinful lifestyle is actually condoning those life choices. From the people I’ve spoken to, guilt typically is not the reason that they returned to the church and began living the law of chastity again. Love and a sense of belonging tugged at their heartstrings when they realized what they were missing and remembered what mattered most.


            I’ve brought up in my priesthood meetings the question “If a same-sex couple came to our ward, how would we respond?” I feel like many people, particularly in family wards, would respond with discomfort and possibly even hostility to a visiting gay couple. People want to protect their children, but sometimes shielding them from other lifestyle choices actually hinders their progress or peaks their interest. The fact that Tom’s ward accepted him without question, allowing him and his partner to feel a part of the fold. Why is this so hard for members of the church to replicate?
            I love that Tom teaches about how our wounds and pains can enable our empathy to develop and help one another in our struggles. When he teaches that we need to walk in faith, I feel that his journey is something that typifies this kind of trust in God, because we really don’t know why homosexual relationships are sinful. We can argue that biologically it doesn’t make sense because it can’t lead to pregnancy so it’s not part of the Lord’s plan, but what about more modern teachings about how sexual relationships are an important aspect of bonding couples together in love and loyalty. Perhaps there’s an answer that I’m missing, but I haven’t found such a reason that the love of heterosexual marriages is any different from those within same-sex couples. However, we have to have faith that God knows what’s best for us, and that through His Son we can overcome any obstacles in our paths.  



            While there are many who leave the church who won’t return as a result of their own agency, the opportunity is ours to extend a hand of Christlike love to those whose life experiences may appear dramatically different than our own within the LGBTQ community. Many members of the church don’t know how to respond to their friends and family when they “come out of the closet.” Tom teaches us that the job is not ours to judge and condemn, but rather to keep the commandments ourselves and live worthy of the Spirit. If we follow Christ’s example as the Christofferson’s did, there will be less conflict and more loving communication. We should not use Tom’s story to pressure or invalidate the experiences of others, because every person’s path is unique. Members of the LGBTQ community are our brothers and sisters, and they have a place in the Plan of Salvation just as we do. In conclusion, charity and humility will create an environment to which those who stray will desire to return.
          To purchase Tom Christofferson's book, That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon's Perspective on Faith and Family, click here!


Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Hope in the Proclamation


When I came home from my mission, I resumed my efforts to find resources for Mormons experiencing same-sex attraction. Prior to leaving for the mission field, I had discovered Ty Mansfield through his book, In Quiet Desperation. I found great hope in him because he was an example of someone "making it work," a Mormon staying true to his/her covenants while experiencing same-sex attraction. While I was serving my mission, my counselor showed me Ty's new book, Voices of Hope, which gave me an explosion of confidence because it was a compilation of many gay Mormon's testimonies and commitments to the Gospel. The week I returned home I discovered LdsVoicesOfHope.org, an extension of the book I was shown on my mission. This again provided me with a deep hope that I would similarly have the tenacity to remain faithful to my covenants in the face of a tidal wave of desire towards other men.



The following year was one of discovery as I explored different groups and met hundreds of LGBT individuals, both in and out of church activity. I quickly learned that not everyone was worthy of trust, while others with dark pasts had overcome incredible obstacles to reunite themselves again with Christ. I grew attached to many people with similar struggles to me, putting some on pedestals because of their dedication to the Gospel.

Because I idolized these individuals, I was heartbroken when some gave up the fight, leaving the safety of the Gospel to embrace a lifestyle of homosexual relations. To see their countenances change as the light of the Spirit seemed to leave their eyes to be replaced by a spirit of bitterness and cynicism shook my faith in my own abilities to stay true.



However, a commitment I made to myself when I first joined North Star has given me valuable steadiness in the face of desertion. I decided that if Ty Mansfield himself, the poster-child of a mixed-orientation marriage "success story" chose to leave his wife and faith in pursuit of a homosexual relationship that I would remain dedicated to my covenants and my Savior. My testimony is not of Ty Mansfield, and it's not of North Star International. My faith is in the Messiah, Jesus Christ.



Howard W. Hunter explained this choice best when he taught that “If our lives and our faith are centered upon Jesus Christ and his restored gospel, nothing can ever go permanently wrong. On the other hand, if our lives are not centered on the Savior and his teachings, no other success can ever be permanently right."

One of the ways we can center our lives on Christ is to live by the Family Proclamation. Among LGBT members of the Church, this can be quite a sensitive subject. When it was first published, many Mormons saw it as nice but redundant. Little could they know that within two decades cultures worldwide would experience a dramatic shift in attitudes of sexuality and gender identity. The Church itself has altered its tone to be more inclusive to those in the LGBT community, explicitly addressing their pain in an official website.



If you look at the proclamation through the glasses of the world, you may find its wording to be old fashioned. The use of the word "gender" instead of "sex" is a little confusing. The discussion of gender roles offend some people as does the claim that "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother."

However, it's all true. I find it significant that none of the words have been changed since its publication, and there's power when you hold truth in your hand. God has given us this power to stand against the world's broad brushstroke definitions of what love and family truly mean. When irresponsible generalizations on the impossibility of successful mixed-orientation marriages are made, we can rest assured that the Lord is by far the best marriage therapist.

The Proclamation supersedes stereotypes that might otherwise confuse and mislead people on the roles of men and women. Men and women are preeminently equal kneeling before God. It's important to recognize that "equal" does not always mean "identical." You may notice that the Proclamation gives definitions of doctrine and principles, yet refrains from listing how to put these elements into practice. This is because we need the Spirit and council with loved ones to carry out the doctrines surrounding the family.

Rather than one gender having complete say in a field, like child-rearing or bread winning, God asks one gender to take the lead. However, the job needs to get done and each spouse needs to give 100% of themselves to the cause. Obviously, there's room for overlap as spouses support each other. For example, when a woman carries a child for nine months, is that not a protective role?

Both sexes were introduced to us in the Garden of Eden, wherein there were two prominent trees: The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and the Tree of Life. These trees represented eternal gates, one ushering in the beginning of the mortal phase of salvation, the other leading to the progression of exaltation. Eve chose to partake of the fruit of the first tree, thus bringing about the Fall of Man and introducing pain, sickness, and death into the world. However, this was, as we well know, was the best thing she could have done! Women today similarly and quite literally embody the gate leading God's children into mortality and grant them the ability to gain the earthly experience necessary for godly development. Balancing this are men, who hold priesthood keys and offices which, when administered and cared for in a godly manner, open the gate of the Tree of Life and grant access to exaltation. Such a sacred relationship between these two gatekeepers is obviously crucial to God's plan, hence marriage in God's eyes is to be between a man and a woman.



We know that there was a Plan of Salvation set forth before the foundations of the world were formed. How we carry our lives resembles a logistical road map as we trek toward our destination, the Celestial Kingdom. Often members of the Church get tangled in the explanation of the road map in our discussions with members of the LGBT community when its more helpful to understand the Plan and the destination.

In the orchestration of the Plan, gender was clearly essential to the creation. We had gained unique gifts and learned talents as gendered spirits during our pre-mortal development. The Lord knew that the family would provide the ideal structure, security, and education for heavenly children to enter mortality. This is why He asks us to trust Him and in His institutional definition of marriage.

Is it difficult to live by the Proclamation to the Family? I believe that for many people it is. One thing that Voices of Hope has taught me is that "success stories" of people overcoming incredible obstacles are a double-edged sword. We need to remember that these stories should be used to uplift, inspire, and share hope, rather than to be wielded as a club to beat strugglers down in shame.

I often have questions and worries concerning how my family is going to look like, but I find strength and hope that Christ's plan is where ultimate happiness can be attained. His ways are higher than mine. Hope is an invaluable gift that is often overlooked thanks to our society's diluted definition of it. Too often it's seen as a whimsical wish rather than a deep and abiding motivation and trust in the Plan.

Not everyone's happy-ever-after will come in the timeline they'd prefer, but when we live the Gospel of Jesus Christ and embody the family He orchestrates, those happily-ever-afters will come.