Even When He is Silent

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. 

I believe in love even when I cannot feel it. 

I believe in God even when He is silent."

Carved into the wall of a cellar in Cologne, Germany, these words were discovered in the hiding place of a number of Jews during the Holocaust. It's essentially impossible to imagine a bleaker circumstance than being a Jew in Nazi territory.

I was first introduced to this poem through a song we were going to perform as a choir before the Corona virus shut our society down, isolating us all from loved ones and shutting us inside in a life-or-death situation.

As were millions of other members of the Church, I looked forward to the upcoming conference which was promised to "be different from any previous conference." I didn't have specific expectations, but I anticipated a grand performance of music and invigorating talks. 

When it became apparent that conference would be different in that it would be strictly online, I wondered if that was what the Prophet had in mind, or if the grand plans he had for conference would be pushed back to October. I flirted, wistfully, with the thought that, since it would be broadcasted, President Nelson would whip out the sword of Laban or other artifact. I wondered if his advice to take our vitamins was foreshadowing 😂

Above all else, and as I do before every conference, I hoped and pleaded that the Lord would reveal through His servants specific guidance and understanding for those who experience same-sex attraction. Have we not waited long enough in darkness? Why, when the world is a runaway train headed in the opposite direction of morality, when homosexual relationships are not only tolerated but celebrated, when mental health and suicide take their heavy tolls, do we still not have answers?

I unfortunately had to work conference weekend (I work in a residential mental health facility), so I missed a few sessions, but had this dilemma been addressed, I would have instantly heard about it. I was admittedly disappointed yet unsurprised. What precedent did I have to believe that this would all be instantly explained in a single conference? 

I also admit that I felt a bit slighted in that there was a ton of hype for this conference, yet it seemed more or less ordinary. As I always do, I was filled with the Spirit, who testified that what I was hearing was true, that the Lord lives, and that this is His kingdom upon the earth. I absolutely loved the new logo of the Church, a change I was hoping would happen for some time now as the angel Moroni simply doesn't express what our faith truly is about. I enjoyed the new proclamation. Perhaps I am growing accustomed to changes like that. President Nelson has certainly taken us on quite the ride as far as that goes!

One of my few brag-worthy talents is that I make friends with the best people, often finding hidden gems that most overlook. In expressing myself to some of such friends, one mentioned that a mutual acquaintance had vented on social media about how frustrating it was that, in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, the Prophet and apostles would focus so much on the Restoration of the Gospel rather than speak to the fears of viewers concerning the deadly virus which has brought the world to its knees (hopefully y'all are praying while you're down there).

Contrastingly, my friend expressed his belief that our leaders were deliberately telling us what we needed, not necessarily what we were expecting. What good would it truly have done for us if the focal point of the conference was the plague? Would that bring us hope?

The answer is in the Restoration.

My favorite talk was Elder Holland's, and my friend's comment helped me realize why.

The Restoration revealed to mankind the true nature of God, our Father. Not a stoic being who would predestine few of His children to salvation and cast the rest into the fires of Hell. The Book of Mormon explains that the Savior's every action would be “for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world” and every inhabitant therein. Holland points out that the Restoration fulfilled thousands of years of prophesy, bringing a tidal wave of spiritual truth to the vacuum left by the Great Apostasy.

He continues: "Because the Restoration reaffirmed the foundational truth that God does work in this world, we can hope, we should hope, even when facing the most insurmountable odds. That is what the scripture meant when Abraham was able to hope against hope—that is, he was able to believe in spite of every reason not to believe—that he and Sarah could conceive a child when that seemed utterly impossible. So, I ask, 'If so many of our 1820 hopes could begin to be fulfilled with a flash of divine light to a mere boy kneeling in a patch of trees in upstate New York, why should we not hope that righteous desires and Christlike yearnings can still be marvelously, miraculously answered by the God of all hope?' We all need to believe that what we desire in righteousness can someday, someway, somehow yet be ours."

To find hope for the future, we need but look back to see that the Lord fulfills His promises to those who keep His commandments.

As I remember, there have been countless times in my life when I've felt hopeless.

I remember weeping in my room as a child, trapped in sexual abuse that I was too ashamed to tell my parents about and "knowing" I was destined to burn in Hell for the sins I felt I had committed. I wish that I could hug that boy and tell him that there was so much to look forward to, that healing would come, that the flashbacks would cease and that I would be able to forgive my abuser and break free of the chains placed on my spirit.

I remember preparing to kill myself as a teenager, seeing no hope for relief from my chronic illness, from bullying, and from attractions to a lifestyle contrary to the Plan of Salvation. Again, I wish I could hold him, promising that such trials would foster the resilience and empathy I would need to be an effective missionary, that I would create a powerful network of authentic friends who would support me in my pursuit of Christ.

I continue to beg the Lord for guidance, navigating adulthood without a feasible prospect of marriage while trying to hold onto hope that the Lord is mindful of me and has a place for me in His marvelous plan. In a few years, what will I wish I could tell my present self?

While each of us has questions, looking through a glass darkly, we must hold on to the hope that Christ offers us. As my ancestor William Bradford prayed during a perilous storm at sea, "Yet Lord, Thou canst save."

Our world has been plunged deeper into darkness by Covid 19, which has robbed us of jobs, health, and life. It need not rob us of hope, for "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." (Romans 8:35, 37).

So while the Lord continues to be silent despite our prayers for light and understanding to come to us regarding same-sex attraction and other complexities such as the foreboding consequences of the pandemic, the Restoration solidifies the hope that God loves us, that the sun will rise again, and that He will not withhold the answers from us forever.